SAY NO TO NO

The word NO should be reserved for the most extreme of situations, including incidences of potential danger, and those which require immediate reaction. For example, you may sternly say (or even shout, depending on the situation) this N word when you notice your child about to go into the street, reach out to touch a hot surface, or running with anything sharp. The point is that the word NO should not be overused. Otherwise, it will become saturated and lose its effectiveness. It will be dismissed by your child and you will only find yourself repeating the word, possibly raising your voice, getting frustrated, and having little to no effect on your child's behavioural response. The key is to make NO that emergency word that your child will react to every time you use it.

Remember, your goal is not to control your child's every action, but to teach your child how to distinguish between appropriate or inappropriate behaviours. What to say instead of No? Instead of focusing on No and No words (which are any negative words), convert your message so that the positive, and a direction, is stated. For example, rather than saying, "Don't jump on the couch" (don't is a negative because it states what NOT to do), you need to replace the negative with a positive or, a directive, which will state what your child should do. This will emphasize positive behavioural traits instead of negative ones. Example: "Don't jump on the couch!" Revision : "Jumping is only allowed on the ground."

Another positive for when your child is not responding is to offer to complete an action with him or her using the word LET'S. For example, extending on the previous example, you can then say: "Let's jump on the carpet." You may want to extend your hand while making the suggestion. Children love doing things with you, so by offering, you redirect their interest. Also, allowing the jumping action is important; afterall, jumping is permitted, jumping on a high surface or on the couch/bed may not be. You want your child to recognize the permitted versus the not permitted behaviour, so that he/she can eventually make his/her own proper judgment. After all, your role as parents is to teach, not to control. When your child has come down from the couch, and not before, you will crouch down to your child's eye level - always maintaining eye contact - and in a very calm and quiet voice explain why jumping on the couch is not allowed.

Example: "Johnny, I saw how high you were jumping and you are very good at that. But couches are for sitting and resting on. Mommy (auntie, etc.) wants to see you jumping here (define the appropriate area), not on her couch. It is not so safe up there, and I want you to always be safe. Ok?" You may need to break this down further by first asking what a couch is for, rather than telling the child what the couch is for. You really want to reserve all directives for emergency situations, and children truly are that sensitive to stress and to force. Only when your child has maintained eye contact for your entire speech and when he or she agrees "Ok", can you continue to your Let's action, by jumping on the carpet or whatever your alternate destination of choice was. If you are uncertain about your child's reception of your message, ask him or her to repeat what you said, by asking a follow up question such as, "Are we allowed to jump on the couch?"

It is very important to maintain and require eye contact when communicating with your child. It is equally as important to pracatice patience and self control when speaking with a child. Children learn by example, so always remember, you are that example. Speak to a child the way you would want your child to speak to you, or to others. Rule:

As loud as you may think you need to shout your thoughts or directions, that is how quietly I want you to speak to your child instead. Children respond much better to quiet, calm adults, and by speaking calmly you are exemplifying appropriate behaviour at the same time as displaying your authority. You may otherwise find yourself in a fighting match or even a bullying situation with your own child. You may lose sight of the lesson and end up desiring obedience for the sake of it. Be careful of the culprit of your own pride. Whenever you have the temptation to shout, remember, your child will mimic you! Your actions demonstrate greater lessons than your words. Have patience! Lower that voice. Even if you have to whisper, it is more effective than yelling.

Remember that saying, speak to others as you'd like to be spoken to? The same goes for children- tenfold. Here are a list of emergency negative words:

NO

NEVER

DON'T

STOP

I also dislike:

WHY

and any directives, especially when follwed by urgent time constraints. For example, GET OVER HERE... NOW! List of Positive Alternatives:

Let's Show me how you (jump on the ground, for example)

That's very creative. Another way of doing that is... Positives go a long way in the way of reinforcement. Biblical Reference:

Ephesians 4:29-

"Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers".